Tuesday, 9 November 2010

A year of change. And now.....

It has been well over a year since I last entered the blogosphere in any meaningful way. And it has been a year of major change. For one thing, I had to leave Hungary as it had become unfeasible for me to remain there. It was time to give up the apparently unending struggle to survive and keep a roof over my head and return to Britain. Which I did.

I seem ever to walk on the edge of crisis, sometimes tipping over. Then I fall into a darkness which seems to be all-encompassing and have to inch forward step-by-step until I reach the point where the darkness begins to dim. And then clear. Until the next time. i am not complaining. This is the way things are.

I walked again into the labyrinth and all was stripped away. No longer teacher or priest, I was just a man. Lost and afraid. With no label to cling to. Only the need somehow to survive and get through.

The thing is that, athough very painful and frightening at the time, the whole process has been liberating. Life was reduced to basic simplicities. There was no need to theorise or to explain. All that I could do was to accept the situation and slowly climb back up. And heal. And then begin again.

So I returned to basics. After a time of head-clearing and easy routine I then remembered what Inanna had told me in the dream which has impelled this last decade. It was a simple, one-sentence, statement. All She said was, "I want you to tell my story". Just that. No more. No whys or wherefores. No frills or buttons. Just telling a story.

So that is what I am doing. And that, I now know is why I went to Hungary. It was there that so many facets of the story came clear. No longer was I able to spark ideas with another and allow the them to dissipate into speeech. Language problems and the simple fact of being alone precluded that. So the ideas remained inside where they mixed and fermented and a narrative began to emerge in which I could see that rather than being absent for three thousand years She has been present beneath and within the dominant discourse of our civilisation. Hidden, maybe, but ever there. The rise of Yahweh and then of Christianity may have eclipsed Her for a while but eclipses are nothing but temporary shadow or obstruction. They move away and the radiance behind then shines again. Besides which, the eclipse was never total for the obstruction was and is riddled with holes.

Now times are still not easy. But they are better. And the story is being written. I have no idea what the future holds but hope pray that I will finish what I have begun. And not get lost again in ego and label.