Thursday, 28 August 2008

I'm back online..

..and it was very strange not to be. I didn't know what to do for a bit and then remembered a book I had intended to read for a long time - The Tin Drum by Gunter Grass - and i picked it up and read it and was transported to a very strange but recognisable world for a couple of days. That was good. But it is also good to be back.

I have continued to walk. For a while, the now unaccustomed exertion made me really stiff and it hurt a lot, But now, my body feels looser and more flexible.

I am also at the point when I have to make decisions - always something i hate. For the last year or so it has been becoming increasingly plain that the English teaching that I have been doing to survive is not tenable in the long term. For one thing, the hours - early mornings and late evenings with the time in between taken up either with preparation or sleep - left me with neither time nor energy to write or plan workshops. To put it plainly, I believed that I had come here to do some some specific work for Goddess and that I was simply not doing it.

So, the language schools for whom I have been teaching want to know about my availability and I have to decide what to tell them. A large part of me craves for the security of guaranteed income. I have rent and other stuff to pay and no savings. But another part of me knows that if I do go back to it, then I am unlikely to do much else. This blog itself is a result of the enforced rest of the summer vacation and the creativity and confidence I am feeling is the result of having been able to rest and spend time in meditation and walking. And in writing and planning

What I am trying to find is the trust that Goddess will provide for me. Much of the time I feel it but then the doubts creep in and I am tempted to fill in those forms in order to get work and not become destitute. But if I do go back to that merry-go-round then the point of coming over here may get lost. I came for many reasons, but foremost among them was a belief that I had been called - that there was work I had to do here. But, on the other hand, there is a niggling, doubting voice that tells me that this is pure delusion. And tonight I am feeling insecure. But then again I have not been in the hills today.

Ah, well. I do not have to make the decision tonight. But I will have to very soon.

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