Readiness

It has been a long time since I posted here. I am not sure why - there has certainly been a lot happening about which I could have written. Somehow, the urge to write has not been there, however. Perhaps it is because there has been so much happening that I have been silent. It is as if I have not wanted to "fix" anything in writing while it all seemed so fluid. That I wanted the process to flow freely - leading me where it may - and not interrupt it until it reached a place where I could feel confident that the changes were there to stay. That place is now reached.

It is now 9 months, or thereabouts, since I initiated as Priest of Inanna. I did not really know then what that meant or entailed - I just knew that I was called to do it. I have given up theorising about what the word "call" means - there is really no point to that, since I can never know. A call is what it was. And I will leave it at that. Nine months - a normal gestation. And here I am. Not the same as I was but different in ways that I am only just becoming aware of.

I am feeling more confident, for a start. Although "confident" may not be the best word. "Certain" is closer. I am reluctant to use it because it is not a constant - my brain can get in the way and then the certainty slips a little. Doubt - a constant companion in my life - still remains. I am glad of this, however. It is healthy and causes me to question things and not accept them at face value. It has caused me to test my perceptions. And those perceptions have passed the tests - have survived the internal questions. And I now know that Inanna has called me. I know that it is not an illusion but a simple fact. Who or what Inanna is, I really have no idea. I have applied Occam's razor and have realised that She is the simplest answer. I have heard Her voice and feel Her presence. I am still rational and have a grip on the reality of the world. I can go about my daily business as effectively as I ever have. In fact, in many ways more effectively since I am less concerned about the opinion of others than before. Less, I say, for the concern still remains. What it does not do is rule.

There is work that She wants me to do. That, I know for a fact. I am not being grandiose when I say that it is work that only I can do. I am acknowledging that I, as all human beings are, am unique. There is no other human being that has my mind and my experience. She called me as I am, faults and virtues alike, not some other person whom I might aspire to be.

I have stopped waiting to be perfect. This, to me, is huge. There are some lines by Leonard Cohen that sum up the conclusion that I have reached.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a hole in everything
That's how the light gets in

Sometimes, when singing this, I subconsciously replace "light" with "rain" and the words still remain true. Perfection, as perceived in our received spiritual traditions, has an impermeable quality. It is not human. And I am. And glad to be. I do not wish for more. I simply seek to become more fully who I am - and not bend and contort to what I see as the expectations of others or even myself. And this, surely, is true perfection.

With this in mind, the Priest/ess of Inanna training course is starting this coming Samhain. The time is now - there is no other. Taking another song from Cohen, I am not "waiting for the miracle" of some notional readiness to come. It is already here.

I do not know, nor wish to know, what the future will hold. That would spoil the journey. When I read tarot it is as a guide to now - and the decisions that the moment brings. The areas of current strength and current weakness. The future is in the hands of Inanna - if I am correct in my perception that I am being called to Her work then She will make it possible for me to do it. My part is simply to stop farting around, to get the word out and leave the rest to Her.

If I am wrong, then so be it. But I do not believe I am.