It is now coming up to a month since I initiated as a Priest of Inanna. People have told me that I have changed. I believe them - since I have a very real and deep inner feeling that some qualitative change has occurred. For a while now, I have been struggling to put this into words and find that they elude me. What I am trying to express is something that is both absurdly simple and deeply profound.
I am aware or the presence of Inanna. She is with me all the time. In every breath, she is there. Simple as that. And yet, I remain as I am - with all the doubts and fears, the hopes and despairs that all who know me are only too aware of. I haven't changed. I have become, and am still in the process of becoming, more fully myself. I am aware of those areas in which I am weak - and they are many. There are parts of my character of which, in the past, I have been deeply ashamed. They are still there, but the power of that shame diminishes day by day. There are things I still do that I would prefer not to do. But they are fewer than they were. I also have many strengths and I am beginning to accept and nurture them. I am beginning to feed my strengths rather than my weaknesses. This is very new.
I have accepted my call to be a healer. That is what this is all about. That is what the initiation was about. For some unexplained and inexplicable reason, a bronze age goddess I had never heard of until recently has called me to her service. She has called to heal. More particularly, she has called me to heal sexual wounds. To the work of sexual healing.
This I find rather scary. In fact, that is a typical British understatement. To be more precise, there are times I find it fucking terrifying. I am only too painfully aware of my own shortcomings in this regard - my own past lack of clarity and honesty - my own present hangups and neediness. And yet, somehow, these almost seem a qualification. it seems a paradox but it seems that in my weakness there is strength and in my vulnerability, power.
I needed a name for a planned series of workshops. (I say "planned" but this is a very loose term!) What I came up with was "InannaTantra". It seemed catchy (and, on a practical level, the website will soon be online). But from the naming, something concrete is emerging. I am beginning a practice. Without any real idea of where I am going, I am moving forward into something very new. For at long last, I am beginning to draw together the many threads of my life into a coherent whole. I am combining what I have learnt from the excellent teachers I have had into something that is uniquely my own. I did nor anticipate thi and it was far from my intention., I thought i didn't know enough - did not have the credentials for such work. But I do.
In one way it is very simple. All that I did last month was to formally vow service to a deity who has been in the centre of my life for a while now. But the formal declaration of intent was the vital step. It was, if you like, my part of the bargain. And the rest has followed from that. For now, I am not alone and I know I am not alone. She is with me and She will guide me. I know that. In workshops or in one-to-one sessions, it is She who works through me.
And it is beautiful