Have had a very frustrating evening trying to watch a DVD. My machine has been erratic to say the least for a while but now seems to have decided to call it a day. It has been freezing for long periods and then jumping scenes. Now it is refusing to recognise any disc I put into it. This is infuriating, particularly as I had decided to give myself a night off from thinking.
And there is a lot to think about. I am both excited and scared by the life ahead of me. It is a time when I am moving into very unknown territory. I know that I can no longer maintain myself through teaching English. It is too demanding of time and energy and leaves me little of either to spare so that I can do the work I feel I have been called to do. So I must trust in Inanna to provide my needs. My phone has just been cut off - which is ok, I will be able to pay the bill next week and my broadband is on a separate contract. I will have my rent next month and can pay gas and electricity. But what then?
This issue of trust is a big one. On the one hand I believe that I am on the right path but on the other I am often beset with doubt. This doubt tells me - as I have said before - that I am kidding myself, that I am delusionary and that I will end up on the street. Or worse. It tells me that what I perceive as a call is merely hubris and hence nemesis will come, as night follows day.
But as I write this, I realise that I do not believe it. That if I did I would not be here now. Still hanging in. Which I am. I will be able to eat until the end of the month - it is only a week or so now. I am not alone but have people who care about me. And I know that She has a purpose for me and will enable me to fulfil it.
Where Earth's Heart Throbs by *AgiVega on deviantART
The first time I came to Hungary, I was taken up to a place called Dobogókő (the "pulsing, or drum, stone"- up the Danube from Budapest. A very heautiful and magical place which has been referred to as the heart chakra of the planet by no less an authority than the Dalai Lama. I was told but the woman who was guiding me that there had been a connection of some sort between Shambala, Avalon and Dobogókő but that this had been broken in the 13 century due to some lapses on the Hungarian part. Having come from Avalon, I felt that this was not in fact the case but that perhaps it was the awareness that had been broken. For I felt the same there as I felt in Glastonbury/Avalon, another reputed site for the heart chakra. And I had a vision of a healing ceremony, with drummers from every nation in Europe drumming for the wounds and the generations of blood that had been shed - much of it in the land I was standing in. In the centre - the heart - of the continent so stained with blood. This is still my vision, and I believe it will happen.
The point is, that I complain that I do not know where I am going - nor do I know, I say, what She wants me to do. Which is bullshit. For She tells me - in simple and direct language - or in a picture, a feeling, which is unsummoned and comes out of the blue. What I am not given is a road map, just a picture of the destination and the general direction I must take to get there. The rest is just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going when things do not seem easy.
To get back to Dobogókő. I must confess, that having lived and worked in Glastonbury, I was taken somewhat aback when I first heard that there was another claimant for the heart chakra position and was, at first, inclined to pooh-pooh it. That is, until I stood there and felt the power for myself. It is real. There is a stone where, if one places one's ear on it, the earth's pulse can be heard. I did not hear it and last time I went could not recall the exact stone. But that does not matter. What I felt still remains strong in my memory - and is so very similar to what I felt in Glastonbury that it is well-nigh identical.
I know very little about geomancy and its technical details - geometry, sacred or otherwise, was not one of my best subjects at school. I have seen lovely pictures of the earth chakra system from English-speaking websites - which do not include Hungary as an integral part of this system. But the Shaolin monks, for example, have a monastery close to Dobogókő, and the Dalai Lama has spoken favourably of Dobogókő. And the woman who guided me on that first, fateful, visit spoke of the ancient psychic link between Shambalah, Avalon, and Glastonbury. And I do know how I felt when I first stood there , and still feel whenever I go there. Does each chakra have to be singular? Can they not manifest in several places? Or do they, perhaps, move? I have no idea but would welcome suggestions.
The fact remains, however, that I must hold true to the original vision and all those that have followed, and must not give way to fear. In Hungary I first learnt that the five elements are earth, air, fire, water and love. In tantra I have learnt that there are only two emotions, love and fear and that what is not love is fear - by whatever name we call it. The path that led me to Glastonbury has now led me here. Much of the time, my primary emotion has been fear. I have run, as a deer flees the hunt. I must now learn to trust in love. That what I need will be provided.
A rambling post, I know. This is how my brain is operating at the moment. Ever since I initiated as Priest of Inanna I have felt a huge change within me. But at times, my brain starts to question. Which was why I did not want to post today, preferring to lose myself in a film - ironically "Kundun" - the story of the Dalai Lama. I managed half and then the player went on strike. So, here I am, using this forum to try and sort out the various voices in my head and order priorities. Not too sure what it all means and do not really care. I may never reach the end, but the journey is interesting.