It was with a great sense of relief that I pressed the button saying "new post" just now. It is not that I have had nothing to say for the last week, it is just that I have been too busy to take the time out to say it on the blog.
On Saturday, I gave a presentation on InannaTantra at a Love Festival here in Budapest. InannaTantra is something that has been gestating for a while and was only given a name a few weeks ago after my initiation. I will be getting the website up very soon so will not go into too much detail - a reading of some of my earlier posts will give an indication of the general way I am going and a glance to the left hand column of this blog will reveal my starting point.
The presentation went very well. There were times I lost my thread and there was much that I now realise could have been better explained and some things that were, frankly, irrelevant distractions. There was also a point when the next step on the journey became clear. I cannot turn back. And neither do I want to.
I came away feeling very empowered - and I knew that something had shifted within me. This is not the first time since such shifts have been coming at intervals ever since the initiation. I know that I am now doing what I was created to do. I know that the inarticulate feelings of "there is something that I have to do" that so bedevilled my life for so many years have now been vindicated. I was not deluded but aware of something that could only be called destiny.
Which, as i write it, sounds hopelessly grandiose. But it is, in fact, the only word that applies. Rightly or wrongly, I have ever been convinced that I had a role to play - but had no idea what it was. It was not a pleasant conviction. I was, for much of the time, absolutely terrified of it and tried to run away from it. This did not make it easy for those who were close to me. I did not know why I behaved as I did and neither did I know how to change it for the better. I did not even know what "better" meant. I still do not. What I do know, however, is what "more authentic" feels like. I know what it is to feel fully and completely myself, faults and all, without apology or disguise. There were points in the day when the old fears kicked in and I sat wondering what people would think of me. these were not pleasant points but they reminded me of how much of my life I had been ruled by such fears. And then, I just felt free to be me. Not perfect - a bit of piss-head at times and an insensitive arsehole at others- often one hell of a misanthrope - but also someone who genuinely delights in seeing others being themselves. Not perfect in the sterile and dead way that our culture defines perfection, But perfect in being themselves - unique and beautiful faces of the Goddess.
For the secret is that there is no secret. Many people earn a fortune saying that they hold the keys to wealth or salvation. But they are lying. The only answer lies within each individual - it is only to be reached for and embraced. No amount of meditation nor good works will bring it if it is still sought from without. It can only come from the recognition of who we are and that whatever and whoever we are we cannot change it. We are each unique and in the embracing of this uniqueness lies the only true salvation.
It is really good just to be writing again without thought of purpose beyond the writing. This last couple of weeks has, of necessity, been dominated by a sense of purpose. Now that has been fulfilled and I can again play here.
Just to conclude this post with something strange that has happened. All my life I have, when i bothered to comb it, parted my hair on the right. yesterday morning, without thinking, I brushed my hair and found that it no longer lies in the way it did and now parts to the left. I felt a bit like Alice - back to front - especially when K and I went out to a friend's for dinner and i realised that I felt the cold wind on a new part of my head. Dont know what, if anything, it means - but it is interesting.
Midwestern neon blues
3 days ago