I awoke very early this morning with a feeling akin to despair. I had been dreaming of having to return to penury in Britain and the details were very clear and based upon the loss of my wallet a few weeks ago. I had thought that I had got over it - that my life was back on track - but this did not seem to be the case. I thought that this whole adventure might have been a huge mistake and that my conviction that I had somehow been called to it was a delusion.
This feeling lasted for couple of hours and then lifted enough for me to find the motivation to go to the temple for what is now my usual period of meditation. It was without much conviction I went - just a feeling that perhaps things would appear differently after it. I arrived and went into the room in which we have placed many paintings of vulvas. This room is so powerful! It is difficult to describe the feelings it evokes. First there is the sheer beauty of the physical form and then there is the sense of the individuality woman who is depicted - for each is as unique as a face. Then there is knowledge that all human beingd emerged from the space that is depicted. Ir is a room of multiple wonder. Anyway, Before sitting I evoked the Goddess, Normally, this would have been to Innana alone but this morning i found myself addressing the Lady of Avalon, to whom I had made my initial vow. This surprised me but I continued and then called on Inanna and sat.
Then, during the meditation, I found myself looking at two vague figures - it was impossible to see them clearly, but i felt them to be female - and one, on the left seemed to have a huge darkness where her belly should be. I felt I wanted to look into this darkness but was afraid to. A voice then invited me to look and enter - so I did. And the darkness seemed to overwhelm me but at the same time the fear went away. Then, there was shifting - a spreading of the skirts over the land - and I saw a forest and fields and a repeat of a vision from 35 years ago - of a place on the land where women and men can discover and be their true and loving selves.
Then i went for a walk in the woods of the Buda hills. And as I was walking along a path I have walked a few times before I saw from the corner of my eye a large beech tree and something told me to go up to it. It was large - the circumference at the base about two metres - and very high, towering over the younger growth around. And there, at the base, was a vulva shaped hole leading into the hollow interior. I was overcome with an urge to pray - to address the Goddess - and did so into this hollow. And I felt that this was the right thing to do.
And I realised that what had awoken me was a result of my fear of dedicating myself to Insnna. For, according to the Epic of Gilgamesh, she was not overly kind to men who loved her. And one of my last acts before leaving England was to play Dumuzzi, Inanna's husband in a sacred performance of Inanna's descent, directed by and starring a very dear friend, in Leamington Spa. For those who are not familiar with the story, it ends with Dumuzzi being chased be demons intent upon carrying him into the underworld.
So. Here I am. It is close to bedtime. And I am wondering why I want to publish this very personal and perhaps incoherent post. But after typing those last few words i remembered something else from the meditation which was that I was to explain the meaning of the title of this blog. And as i wrote that, i was overcome with a feeling of fear. For it seems to smack of hubris that I should say that I believe a goddess spoke to me. But it is true. Unbidden, She came to me 35 years ago when I was sitting in a ruined manor house in a deserted village called Wycoller- on the moors near the site of Wuthering Heights where my first wife and I were then living. I was sitting and listening to a Spring symphony of birdsong when a picture came into my head of women walking in a meadow. The feeling that accompanied this was that these women were free and strong - aware of themselves as beautiful and powerful. And with this vision came the conviction that I was to do something to help bring this liberation.
I did not have the background to put any sort of context to this vision. Which seemed even then to be presumptuous, particularly as I am aware of many of my weaknesses, particularly when around women> But the vision was so strong, i have never forgotten it -I can still taste it.
And it is this vision that has guided me. It was behind my work in Glastonbury with the Goddess Temple and it is what led me here. For I believe that somewhere in the countryside around here, there is a physical house awaiting. One of the ancient names of the Danube is Ishtar, the name by which Inanna waa known by the Babylonian invaders of Sumer. In a very real sense this is the land of Inanna. Hungarian folklore alleges a Mesopotamian origin of the Hungarian people and some scholars say that the Hungarian language is derived from Sumerian. But here, we get into the very murky waters of magical nationalism, so I will not say more. This house exists - this safe place to explore and discover our true divinity, and this blog is is virtual counterpart
I promised not to mention Sarah Palin again - but I must do so. One of the major doctrines of her former church is that they are engaged in a spritual war against the Queen of Heaven - aka The Whore of Babylon, aka Ashtoreth/Astarte/Ishtar/Inanna. They are at war, therefore, with me. For I serve Her.