It is strange how easily I seem to get blown off course. When I wrote my last blog I was feeling empowered and confident and ready to move forward into whatever the future holds. And it was in this spirit that I went to the airport to meet a friend whoo was visiting from England. All seemed to run very smoothly, her flight was even early so I did not have to wait too long. It was as we were heading for the bus into town, however, that I discovered my wallet was missing, containing about £35 in cash and my monthly bus pass, bought that morning, which was worth about £27. Even in the UK that would be a lot to lose, but here it is a huge dent. I contacted the appropriate agencies, but no luck.
So. I am out of pocket. This in itself is not that bad a problem - I should be able to pay the rent next month etc. However, what it has knocked is my confidence and equilibrium. There are moments when I feel distinctly vulnerable and fearful and beset by doubts. And then, from nowhere it seems, I feel a wave of fear, doubt and vulnerability coming over me. And then that passes and I feel OK again.
The strength of the waves is subsiding but it seems to be taking a hell of a long time to do so. And, having Sun, Moon, Mars and Mercury in Aries, patience is not one of my strengths.
One of the cliches that I often hear and sometimes trot out for myself is that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps. And perhaps there is some way that I attracted the thief - for thief I believe it was. Or perhaps shit just happens. I do not know. What i do know is that something outside my control has pushed me into a period of doubt and confusion in which I have been wondering about my entire path.
And this is crazy. It is, in the end, only money. I feel fit and healthy and have a roof over my head and food in my belly. I have friends who, if the worst came to the worst would not see me on the street. All this I know. And I know that I am on a path which is right for me - that Goddess, that Inanna has called me to it. I know that what I wrote in the last post remains true. One of the things I was taught as a counsellor was that we do not know what we believe until we hear ourselves say it. I think there is a lot of truth in this and the purpose of this blog has been to find out whether I still believe.
And I do.
Midwestern neon blues
3 days ago